tlcorbinRavens Diet and Exorcism Advice
May 20th 2008 04:10
Welcome to Ravens Semi Annual Diet and Exorcism Advice column.
Eat healthy, if you order the Jalapeños and chocolate truffle chips that have ingredients you can’t pronounce, spew them from your mouth, stick with the official Organic crap reared stuff.
Use only butter, bacon renderings and salubrious trans fatty cooking oils in sufficient amounts to guarantee that your cakes, fries, chips and baked Alaskans cook to perfection and have the appropriate amount of pairs of doubly bonded carbon atoms to stick to your carbon based ass.
When eating lunch at your local greasy spoon, tip the waiter copiously to ensure that he compliments you on your healthy eating habits while you wolf down them orders of double dipped onions rings, chili cheese fries and flavor laden 2000 calorie triple cheese burger oozing streamlets of secret sauce and a sprig of something greenish.
Creative dieting is an art form, share it with a fat faced friend with a butt larger than your own, you’ll munch in guilt free bliss. OK, so it works for me . . .
Dietary and exercise regimens should be eased into slowly, after all, you’ve got the rest of your life to do the things you haven’t done already, y’know, the D and E words.
Exercise is always easier to do with a friend, I like to have Medford witness my morning touch toe, that way if Tisha thinks I’ve been laying about (regardless of the warm body divot on the couch and the hot television remote near the stack of dirty dishes on the floor), I can honestly say that I exercised and have a witness.
But if you have doubts, see a doc to make sure that you aren’t going nutz with overly rigorous routine; and if you don’t like his advice, see and exorcist to confine those demonic fats cells to the depths of hell.
And if things still don’t work, get another opinion from a foreign doctor, and pay him to lie to you.
Well, that's it for this year.
I'm exhausted, I think I almost broke out in a sweat.
G'day all, have another tub of ice cream, but skip the marshmallow and chocolate cream - I ate the last of it anyway.
Raven
Eat healthy, if you order the Jalapeños and chocolate truffle chips that have ingredients you can’t pronounce, spew them from your mouth, stick with the official Organic crap reared stuff.
Use only butter, bacon renderings and salubrious trans fatty cooking oils in sufficient amounts to guarantee that your cakes, fries, chips and baked Alaskans cook to perfection and have the appropriate amount of pairs of doubly bonded carbon atoms to stick to your carbon based ass.
When eating lunch at your local greasy spoon, tip the waiter copiously to ensure that he compliments you on your healthy eating habits while you wolf down them orders of double dipped onions rings, chili cheese fries and flavor laden 2000 calorie triple cheese burger oozing streamlets of secret sauce and a sprig of something greenish.
Creative dieting is an art form, share it with a fat faced friend with a butt larger than your own, you’ll munch in guilt free bliss. OK, so it works for me . . .
Dietary and exercise regimens should be eased into slowly, after all, you’ve got the rest of your life to do the things you haven’t done already, y’know, the D and E words.
Exercise is always easier to do with a friend, I like to have Medford witness my morning touch toe, that way if Tisha thinks I’ve been laying about (regardless of the warm body divot on the couch and the hot television remote near the stack of dirty dishes on the floor), I can honestly say that I exercised and have a witness.
But if you have doubts, see a doc to make sure that you aren’t going nutz with overly rigorous routine; and if you don’t like his advice, see and exorcist to confine those demonic fats cells to the depths of hell.
And if things still don’t work, get another opinion from a foreign doctor, and pay him to lie to you.
Well, that's it for this year.
I'm exhausted, I think I almost broke out in a sweat.
G'day all, have another tub of ice cream, but skip the marshmallow and chocolate cream - I ate the last of it anyway.
Raven
| 60 |
| Vote |
Shared on
Add To: 
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by Damo
For the Sake of Argument
My Apologetics
It is such a moral dilemma for some people
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
I bet medford counts your toe touches from his back.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Actually Medford is pretty laid back . . . now that you mention it, he does count my touch toe while laying on his back and with just a slight twitching of his declawed paw(s).
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
And you better have a good reason for de clawing your cat - I dont even trim my birds wings!
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Actually Tisha and I just acquired Medford from a family that had rat like Chi - dogs and tail pulling kids. He's 10 years old and someone in his past had him neutered and declawed, that is something I never advocate.
Perhaps for the first time in his life, his environment is calm, litter box stays clean, food and water are fresh, doors n windows are open so he can watch cat tv while sniffing fresh air and his personal trainers willingly massage his chocolate gray butt several times a day. He hates his new life. However after nearly a month, he's adjusting, hahaha.
Have a wonderful day and peace of mind . . .
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
And I never thought you would be the sort of person to declaw....Poor Medford! My kittys practically ceiling walk...And all are taught to play with claws out.
Oh. And I do clip Wistapew's wing for his own safety. I dont think I have to anymore though - he's too fat to get off the ground!
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Big breasted women sometimes develop severe back pain with painful knuckles from lugging those adornments around and the swollen knuckles are from bonking some tittie baby on the nose and is common as well . . . er, so I've heard kleo.
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Im sure you and Wisti would have a lovely waddle. He likes cuddles.
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
I love a good waddle, they quack me up . . . I wonder if Medford would mind sharing?
Raven
Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Comment by tlcorbin
Coffee Quip
A Global Citizen
Paranormal Paranormal
Is Why
Alaska Chronicle
Raven
Comment by sandeye
Bird Story
San Francisco Music News
Yoga Tap